


The Desire That Drove Me Crazy

by hinamidoris



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bad Ending, I was told it's very dark so read this at your own risk i guess, Minor Violence, Multi, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16375862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinamidoris/pseuds/hinamidoris
Summary: Ittoki Otoya has never had it easy - growing up without parents in an orphanage he isolated himself from everyone else until he forgot how to feel emotions. But then he met the love of his life and the world suddenly started to change - to the point of driving him insane.





	The Desire That Drove Me Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my first ever actually published FF. Phew. A couple of things before getting to it:
> 
> \- English is not my first language. I had it beta'd though. (Thank you for enduring my inspirational mess the past days y'all)  
> \- Otoya is almost 100% OOC for good reason. I changed his backstory a little to give him this kind of alternate personality.  
> \- I was inspired by "Answer" by Terashima Takuma. I've listened to this song A LOT while writing so I'd highly recommend to listen to it while reading.  
> \- Most importantly: I am aware Stalking is a really issue that should not be treated lightly, so please read it until the very end!
> 
> And now, without further ado, let's get started.

For my entire life, I have been by myself.

 

My mother died early. I have never known my father. All I remember was the Orphanage I grew up in - but I am trying my very best to repress those memories.

 

You would think the children were nice there, being happy to have friends to play with, or a family even. At least, that’s what the adults said. _Everyone is your family, Otoya. We are your family. You can trust us._

 

They were goddamn liars.

 

I never believed the lies they have told. That someday I will know what happiness feels like. That I would learn about love. I never did. How was I supposed to? With no one to care for me at all.

 

Hitting other children, playing by myself, isolating myself. I have snapped at children, even at adults. I have been an outsider. Laughing, even smiling was something i have never done either. I was feeling empty. I have no feelings - that was the only thing I was certain of. That for my entire life I will be emotionless.

 

But then I met _him_.

 

It was my first day at High School. I walked down the crowded hallway, head low, books pressed to my chest. Don’t touch anyone, don’t look at anyone, I told myself.

 

Then I took a turn and bumped into someone, falling onto the ground. My books crashed down with a loud thud and I shook my head as I looked up at the person I accidentally ran into.

 

Dark blue hair. Cerulean Eyes. And suddenly, my whole world started to change.

 

My heart was beating in my chest, I was sure it would jump out any moment, my cheeks were hot, and there was a pleasant prickle in my stomach. Something I never felt. What was this ominous feeling?

 

“I’m sorry,” the guy said, “I will help you collect your books.” He crooked down and I as well got onto my knees to take the remaining books. Our hands touched for a brief moment. His hand was cold. That part of a second felt so good. I really was too overwhelmed to talk.

 

Then he stood up again and I was still on my knees. He reached out his hand to me. “Here.” He said with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. His eyes were slightly closed. I felt like he was shining and glittering, like a prince. Yes, prince was definitely the perfect description of this person in front of me.

 

Trembling I took his hand and he pulled me up before returning my books. Oh my god. I wish he never let go of my hand, but he did. He smiled at me again and then he left me standing there, my knees weak like butter, my heart hammering in my chest like it was about to combust. I felt my eyes tearing up; it was too much for me to actually comprehend. My classroom was in sight so I hurried, sliding down into my seat, my head hitting the desk as I tried to calm down.

 

_Inhale, Exhale._

 

What was that feeling?

 

Everything felt so warm. The world was suddenly colourful. I couldn’t stop thinking about my prince.

 

My prince…

 

My prince.

 

At this point I was sure, fate has brought us together. And I needed to make him mine. But there was only one issue - I didn’t know anything about him yet. He didn’t tell me his name. I only knew what he looked like. But that’s already a start, I supposed.

 

The morning classes went by fast. My thoughts were mostly with him, my prince. I wanted to know his name so bad so I had to make sure to get closer to him. Somehow. Maybe through eavesdropping.

 

As soon as the bell rang for lunch break I left the classroom and went around the school. I didn’t want him to see me so I always hid behind pillars or walls. The rooftop, the classrooms, the cafeteria, I checked everything - But I didn’t check the school yard yet.

 

So I went downstairs, carefully looking out and he was actually there sitting on a bench with his blue haired friend from my class. I think his name was Masato.

 

But they were too far away. I got a little closer, hiding behind a bush. Perfect. I listened to them talking. About books, mostly. And Music.

 

“Your beautiful voice shouldn’t be gone to waste, Ichinose.” Masato said.

My heart skipped a beat. My head repeated his name like a broken vinyl. _Ichinose. Ichinose. Ichinose._

“I know, but as a third year, I barely have time for club activities anymore.”

 

_Ichinose. Third year._

 

“You will be studying for your finals a lot, right?”

“Definitely. I will practically spend my entire last year in the library.”

 

_Ichinose. Third Year. And he is Intelligent._

 

I was about to cry. My heart was so full with emotions out of all sudden. My feelings were overflowing. I took a mental note of visiting the library everyday before and after school, I needed to know more about him. More and more and more. Maybe I will follow him home someday.

 

But for now I decided to visit the library so I quickly left, heading straight to the schools’ own library. The girl at the front desk looked at me when I entered.

 

“Oh? You are a first year? Do you want to apply for a library pass?” She smiled.

I stared at her, silently.

Her smile immediately died out. “I- I mean. If you want to lend books you need a library pass.” She gave me an application and a pen without another word before hiding her face in her book again. Of course I needed a library pass if I wanted to get to know Ichinose more.

 

I quickly filled out the form and gave it back to her. “Thank you, Ittoki.” She said and I flinched at my name. “I will create your pass and you can already take the books you need, okay?” She smiled again. I nodded and left her, disappearing between the shelves. Where was I supposed to start?

 

What did I know about him so far? He seemed to like music. So maybe music books. I went to the shelf for books about music. And he did sing. I scanned the shelf for literature about singing, or so. I found a book about vocal training. I took it out and opened the last page. I knew that they put the names of the people who lend the books down there. My eyes widened as I actually spotted his name - Ichinose Tokiya.

 

My cheeks were hot again and I started to hyperventilate. His full name was Ichinose Tokiya. Knowing that he touched this book made me happy. At least, it was the emotion I assumed it should be. And then I smiled for the first time in my life. It felt great. I found out what love is. What happiness felt like. All these emotions clashed down onto me. Love and happiness. Maybe I really did deserve such a thing after all.

_____

But there was so much more I needed to know. I wrote down everything I knew so far into an old notebook I found in my drawer at home. It felt like my hand moved on its own as I wrote his name down. And I wrote it over and over again until the page was filled with his name.

 

_Ichinose Tokiya._

 

Leaving the notebook on my desk I grabbed the vocal training book I lend from the library, plopping down onto my bed and embracing it tightly. I tried to sniff it, but unfortunately, it only smelled like a regular old book.

 

But he touched it. It’s like he would touch me. Him touching me... I buried my face into the book more and more. I’m glad I lived on my own, I didn’t want anyone to hear me getting worked up on such a thing. Imagine I had parents who would interrupt me.

 

Reading the book never crossed my mind. All I wanted is to lay down and think of his touch on me. I wasn’t able to sleep at all that night. Thinking of him was the only thing I could do.

_____

Never in my life have I been early for school, but today I waited in front of the gate for Tokiya. I decided to call him Tokiya. It’s his name, after all.

 

I hugged my bag, staring at all the people who passed my way. They looked at me as if I was insane. Disgusting. Humans were really disgusting. As if they thought I wouldn’t catch them staring at me. And for a moment I actually wanted to hurt them badly.

 

But as soon as Tokiya came into my field of view I discarded this thought. My knees got wobbly again. I couldn’t stand straight anymore. He had some people around him. A girl, a guy. Then they were joined by another guy. I was kind of envious. But then Tokiya looked into my direction and smiled at me. That meant he remembered me. He knew who I was.

 

My happiness took over me and I smiled widely. I heard people whispering around me. They all tried to avoid me at all costs. But I was just standing there, in my personal bubble of love.

 

 _Wait._  I needed to follow Tokiya.

 

I had to hurry if I wanted to catch up, keeping a small distance as I didn’t want him to know that I was following. The group was talking and laughing together. What did they talk about? No idea. He put his hand onto the girls’ shoulder and I stopped walking for a moment. My eyes widened. Tokiya touched her. How dare he touch other girls when I’m watching?

 

Clenching my fists I tried to suppress the anger building up inside me. I was ready to grab the scissors I put into my bag this morning, but I let it be. What if I accidentally harmed him instead of this girl? I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want to hurt his beautiful features, his hands, his face. If I would end up hurting him, I could never forgive myself. He must remain as perfect as possible.

 

And someday this girl will have to pay the price for being close to him - but that will be a thing between us.

_____

The lessons went by but I barely paid attention; I'd rather write down into my Tokiya notebook what I have learned about him today. His locker was the number 806. He was in class 3-A. He would visit the library this afternoon. All the small details about his life that seemed to absolutely uninteresting, but for me, they were perfect fodder for my addiction.

 

And as my day ended I was ready to leave for the library, however the teacher called me over. “Otoya, can you please stay for a moment?” He asked. Tsukimiya-sensei was… a teacher. And I hated adults. I wonder what he was going to tell me, because I really needed to hurry. Tokiya would be in the library any moment and I didn’t want to miss him.

 

Reluctantly I took my seat again, resting my head on the desk. Tsukimiya-sensei came over to me, taking his seat right in front of me. I didn’t look at him.

“Otoya, I want you to know that I am here for you.” He started. Not this bullshit again. “I know you grew up in difficult circumstances, so please, if you ever need to talk I-”

I finally raised my head. My glare seemed to shock my teacher as he actually gasped, stopping mid-sentence.

 

“I don’t want to talk. Can I leave now?” I said. “You know nothing about me.”

“Otoya, please listen to me.” He tried again. I only huffed.

“ _Listen_? I hate adults. All you do is lying to me. This kind of hypocrisy is getting on my nerves.” I felt tears coming through. “I have nothing to say to you.”

 

Picking up my bag I stood up from my chair.

“Sit down, Otoya. I really need to talk to you.” He still demanded, but I just wordlessly turned around, walking off; however I was stopped in my tracks as he grabbed my wrist. _That’s it._  Something snapped inside my head and my hand went straight into my bag, pulling out the pair of scissors I hid in there as I immediately spun around, holding it up his face. He let me go. I felt my breathing getting heavier.

 

“Do not ever touch me again.” I said, taking a step forward. Tsukimiya went back a little as I approached him with the scissors near his eyes. “O-Otoya… put down the-”

“Shut up!” I shouted. “Leave me alone!” The tears finally came out as I lowered my hand. Before anything else could happen, I ran off. I didn’t think I would visit the library today.

 

I’m sorry, Tokiya.

_____

Among teachers, news seemed to travel fast. The fact that they already knew about the incident with my homeroom teacher was amazing - it’s been not even a day. Every teacher in this goddamn school avoided my gaze, deliberately walked away when I came close. They were really afraid, weren’t they?

 

But these dumb students didn’t seem to notice a thing, even when Tsukimiya-sensei said my name with hesitation in the daily attendance check. He didn’t even look at me. How pathetic. I didn’t get a suspension, too. Did they really believe in me or were they too afraid I would seriously injure them?

 

After school I finally managed to visit the library, and Tokiya was actually there. He had glasses on as he was reading - it was a perfect picture. I gave back the vocal training book and hid behind the shelves to spy on Tokiya from afar. The way he leaned onto the table while reading was graceful. He twisted a pencil in his fingers. I was in love all over again.

 

And I needed to get closer to him.

 

I noticed I stood at the Manga shelf so I picked up a random Manga from there and went over to the table, hesitantly sitting down across him. Tokiya looked up for a moment, smiled at me and then kept reading. He did it again. He smiled at me again.

 

Simply nodding I opened the Manga and started reading myself. Well, not really. Most of the time I was busy staring at him and fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice.

It was silent for a while, only the turning of pages was audible. Suddenly Tokiya stood up.

“Can you keep an eye on my things for a second?” He asked me.

I blinked. “Sure.” _Oh my god he talked to me._

“Great. Thank you.” He said and left the library. A perfect opportunity.

 

I leaned over the table and grabbed the pencil he held a few moments ago. My heart was beating so fast, the seconds felt like minutes. I held it up my face and sniffed it. It definitely had Tokiya’s scent. A perfect pencil I shall treat like it was my own child. The end was even slightly nibbled on.

 

I carefully put the pencil into my bag when the door flew open again, Tokiya was back. Acting like nothing happened, I turned a page in my book.

 

But Tokiya didn’t sit down.

 

He stared at his stuff spread on the table in front of him. “Where’s my pencil?”

“Pencil?” I asked, playing dumb.

Tokiya looked below the table, under his notepad, in his pencil case without being able to find the pencil I took from him just moments ago.

 

“That’s weird.” He sat down again. “Maybe I’m getting insane from all the studying.” He joked and I giggled. <i>If he only knew.</i>

“I should call it a day.” Packing all his stuff into his bag, Tokiya left after waving me goodbye, but soon I followed him out of the door, hiding myself in the process.

 

I closely watched his every movement, every step he took, practically counting his breaths. Tokiya lived in the opposite direction of where I had my small flat, but I didn’t care at all. I followed him all the way to his house, taking a quick picture of it with my phone.

 

This is definitely going to be added into my notebook along with my newly obtained pencil.

______

With each day passing, I learned more and more about Tokiya. And at the same time, I fell in love with him more.

 

I started writing love letters to him and shoved them into his locker every day. I wondered what he was thinking about them. I didn’t sign them, but I really hoped he knew deep down that they were written by me.

 

I also kept collecting things he owned. An used tissue, a hair, chopsticks from his lunch. All the little things he touched.

 

My best discovery was a half empty water bottle he forgot in the library. I took it home, of course, but I wasn’t sure if I should drink from it or not. Eventually I took a sip. Knowing that his lips touched this bottle made me feel all excited because I indirectly kissed him.

 

And I kept following him everywhere.

 

Sometimes I just stood outside of his house for a couple of hours, watching through the window as he dressed up or studied. I felt at ease observing him just like this.

 

And everything I noticed was put down into my notebook.

 

Some time went by and I was on my way to the rooftop, where Tokiya would eat lunch today. I opened the door and peaked out. Tokiya was there already, but he wasn’t alone - in fact, there was this girl with him. They didn’t notice me coming.

 

I watched them with an increased heartbeat. They were talking. And laughing. She was leaning her head onto his shoulder and my hand immediately wandered into my bag, searching for my pair scissors.

 

I held my breath as seconds went by. I watched them intently. Tokiya leaned down..

 

and he kissed her.

 

Everything happened so fast afterwards.

 

I rushed over, tackling down that girl. I only heard her screaming as I hovered above her, scissors ready to tore her apart. I was about to stab, but strong hands kept me from doing so - I was pulled away and forcefully pressed down onto the ground, a heavy body sitting down on my back and holding my hands in place. It took me a moment to realize what happened. My scissors were taken away and I only let out painful screams.

 

“Shinomi, get a teacher, immediately.” The person on top of me said and a tall blonde guy left the rooftop. Meanwhile I kept trying to get myself out of the strong grip, but it only tightened as I did so.

“Stop moving, you little freak.” The person demanded and I stopped. I had no energy anymore. I was trembling while looking up again, trying to spot Tokiya who embraced the girl I just attacked tightly. I wanted to scream but nothing came out of my mouth.

 

“Ichinose, I think you should see this.” I heard another person saying. I turned my head around to look at them. It was Masato from my class. He held my notebook.

“No…” I whispered, almost unhearable.

 

“Hm?” Tokiya said when Masato gave him my precious notebook. I saw his eyes widen as he skipped through the pages. Then he looked at me with a face of… disgust. It was definitely disgust. His beautiful face was filled with a look I have never seen. At first he didn’t say anything. But then he tossed the notebook at me, hitting my face. It hurt.

 

“Get help.” Is all he said as he took the girl by the hand, quickly leaving the scenery. Masato stayed, shaking his head. And all I did was crying. And screaming. Everything hurt, my body and most importantly, my heart.

 

The love of my life hated me. I ruined it for good.

 

Except for my painful screams and cries, it was silent and no one said anything. Rainy clouds seemed to appear on the sky when the tall blonde came back with Tsukimiya-sensei. I closed my eyes. That was it.

 

“Tsukimiya-sensei said he’s already threatened him some time ago.” I heard the tall blonde explaining.

“Ah?” The person on top of me moved a bit.

“Apparently he grew up in an Orphanage and never had parents.” Tsukimiya said.

“No reason to attack people with a pair of scissors, though.”

 

“You’re right, but please do me a favour and carry him down, Ren. _They_ are going to pick him up soon.” Was the last thing I heard before completely passing out from exhaustion.

 

The first thing I saw when I woke up was a white wall.

 

And I was all by myself again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I need to write the purest of fluff now, lol. Thank you for reading!


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